my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize