Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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