if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
