The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
