Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
