I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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