If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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