Umm I'm too high to move.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...