i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence