I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?