This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
