Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
