Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
