I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
