i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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