I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
