Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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