I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
