Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
