Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
