can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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