i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
