Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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