I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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