Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
