I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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