i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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