A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
