I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
