I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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