I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
