Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
