dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
