too bad you live with your parents still
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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