I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
