I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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