My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
