OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
