Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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