until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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