and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
