like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
