just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Barsexuality is the new black.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
