I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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