highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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