Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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