There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
