My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
