Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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