When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He had one of those small greek statue penises
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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