$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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