"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
