genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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