We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
