omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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