apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
