but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
