The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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